The "Be-No" Book for Men
One of my old squadrons started this during the 60s; the brash, bold Chuck Yeager-era of sexy supersonic jets and aviator-a-day fatalities. After every accident, the Air Force would issue a new regulation. The pilots called them be nos (as in "there will be no more flying below treetop level" or "there will be no more smoking in the cockpit"). After a few months of this, the guys started filling blank ledger books with their own be nos. I carry on the tradition below with these guidelines for all men who wish to pursue the lost calling of manliness:
- There will be no admiring of yourself in a full-length mirror (unless checking to make sure your gun isn't showing)
- There will be no display of male toes in public (read: no sandals)
- There will be no wives driving of husbands (men who do have either lost their licenses due to DUI or are announcing in public that they are wimps)
- There will be no hugging in lieu of handshakes (and no washing with hand sanitizers, either. Handshakes are God's vaccine)
- When asked by children to do something of dubious profit, there shall be no "hmmms" longer than three seconds (if you can't keep a "hmmm" to three seconds or less, the answer is "no")
- There shall be no deleting of any recorded TiVO show before it has been watched in its entirety (you have to take the good TiVO with the bad TiVO)
- There will be no more buying of gifts (that's your wife's job)
- If you are stuck buying the gift because your wife is, a) in prison, b) having her gall bladder taken out or, c) has fallen into a pit of boiling-hot lava, there will be no buying of gifts in public (online, baby, away from mocking eyes)
- In all cases of 7) and 8) above, there will be no giving of gift cards (if you are going to do it, don't be a lazy ass; buy a damn present).
- There will be no apologizing. Being sorry is for women. Men think thoughtfully what they are going to say and have a reason for it before they say it. Sorrowfulness is an admission that you don't have any beliefs.
